The definition of "normal" is such a broad, multi-dimensional word that it is defined as one such meaning to one person but could be a variation of that to another. It really is a genius word. Normal. In this text, I use the word normal to define what my functions were in life before whirl-wind, mayhem, and chaos entered it. Before death struck, injury occurred and the thoughts I had about being productive were that of everyday feelings for me.
Being normal is something I have been digging and yearning for in these months that have passed. But, dear reader, I have found myself on the mend. It is amazing to me how conversations with people who don't strive to make you feel better by saying "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I know how you feel" can help you over night. I am not disregarding those statements, hugs and cards that people, friends and family have given to me. For all of those, I am truly thankful. Finding a solution to the problem by having you answer your own questions. Oh, what the power of thinking can surely do. The power by which you can see the light bulb on the other side of the table go off by the reflection in their eyes. I have found THAT.
There isn't a song yet that I have really identified with my father's passing. Maybe I never will because frankly with our story, I don't think there are feelings in a song that can match that. But, I keep searching. I don't make it a habit to consume me but the "suggestions" box in You Tube when I listen to a favorite song in the moment has been so far so good to me.
I still get up and pace the house sometimes but i think that it is just restlessness of the mind and I have a paper journal for that. Sometimes it is journal entries like July 16, 2105 - "bitch, go to sleep" that really make me chuckle when I get up in the morning. I enjoy that page. However, last night I laid in bed with my eyes staring at the ceiling and I had my Oprah aha moment. Why? Why am I searching for him to be in the ground somewhere when he never could sit still for very long? Why am I asking him to be somewhere, where if he was alive, he wouldn't have been? Why must I keep pressing myself to be able to go to a "spot" to speak to him or remember him by when really, truly he was a road junkie. He thrived on new places, discoveries in his truck. He thrived on not being in one place all the time. He couldn't. It wasn't him. Maybe my brother gets that from him. My brother is a truck driver, however ironic that turned out. I never knew where my dad was or a way to find him when I searched for him when he was alive, so I brushed it under the rug and kept telling myself "he is somewhere, I can feel it." I sent him a graduation card when I was graduating high school. I thought I knew he had a business in Southern Michigan, so I sent it there. Graduation came and went and I thought maybe he just didn't want to see everyone. Maybe it as me and I carried that burden for the whole 15 days until the envelope came back non-deliverable, bad address. I never blamed him for that. I gave up then. I stopped looking and I prayed that should it be the Lord's will that one day we meet again, I will open my arms. I promised God I would. Now I know they say you can't bargain with God but I think it took 10 years for there to be a perfect place and a perfect time for us to reconnect. For that, I have to be thankful.
I can't say that I am back to total"normal". I can't say that I am not going to have my moments of grief. But I have to believe that doing every day tasks and having an every day routine will help comfort pain and weakness in my heart. It will help me work towards a better me because of it. If anyone can mourn the loss of a parent in a life filled journey, you have done that parent proud.
So doing normal for me will be getting back on the band wagon in my time of need. I will be treating my body and mind with kindness. I have created a new tab that restarts the journey for me in my fitness and health. I don't have any goals right now but just to be healthy. I don't have an expectations than to outlive the sickness that burdened my father. I have to believe I can do better and I will.
For now friends, be kind. be wise. and love without fear.
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