Learning how to praise myself without food during the smallest victories is sometimes the worst thing in the world. It is amazing to me how food (this addiction) can take over my life, emotions, and turn me into this crazed, distressed, emotional woman who at the drop of a hat would do just about anything for a sweet morsel. Disgusting I tell you, disgusting.
This weekend was that instance. I have worked so hard last week and got down by 5 pounds. Saturday night comes and what does Kall (spelled like my adoring friend spells it) do? Goes for the food…haha! BUT not this time. I didn’t eat one thing that was out of the allowance. However, the emotions that ensued with that choice after were very….daunting. I found myself slipping into self-pity, loathing, almost drooling at the mouth at the thought that I could just sneak to the store and NO ONE, I mean no one would see me. Partially due to the fact that I live in a new city and almost no one knows me there. I found myself literally pacing my house, sitting on my floor, and almost bent over and whining like the little child begging for just one piece of Halloween candy at 9pm. Disgusting. I allllmost gave in until I looked in my fridge and saw what I had been working so hard on for my food prep. I also looked down at my sweat pants and realized they were too damn comfortable to get out of. They saved me, this time. I found another good thing about it. I, yes I had done this for me, only me, no one else. I could either go to the store, sit with my choice of packaged, filled with nothing food or drink water and go to bed and feel even lighter in the morning (a feeling I have come to like). I did just that.
I have to say that in all my years of working on myself, I have never had that moment where there was a demon and I stood in front of my fridge and defeated it, crushed it and moved on. I don’t think I would have been that strong even a month ago. I don’t think I would have had the courage to tell my own self no, when I could tell myself yes and take the easy route.
The only way I got through this was the thought that I am not going to let myself just roll over and fail. I am not going to let food take over and consume my life. I WILL NOT let this defeat me. There is a book that my mom and I read years ago (a few books in the series if I can remember) called Women Food and God. I found it unpacking in some of my things. It is always a good refresher for me to get grounded back to where I need to be. Sometimes revisiting triggers, emotional highs and the like to over shadow the darkness that has clouded me puts me back in perspective.
Learning how to cope. Learning how to push forward. Learning how to tell myself no. Learning how to be the best I know I can be. These are all things that at each morning I pray for in strength. I don’t ask the good Lord for too much but maybe I do. There is always a part of me that will find it easier to just roll over. There will always be that person inside me that wants to make the wrong choice. However, at 27 (yes a little late) I find myself making the right decisions not only for my bodily good but for my emotional wellbeing. Weight loss isn’t just about looking the way you always imagined (because you never will), it is about FEELING like you always imagined. When you respect yourself enough to not put toxins in your body, people will respect you. This beams from the inside out. It is a feeling.
Moving into my birthday weekend, I am not sure how I will treat my body. It will not be a celebration of my birthday with food (determined to make the right choices) or excessive alcohol. It is with friends, my second family (some runners) who have literally carried me through this journey. Some are old, some are new, and some I have run into each other. I couldn’t ask for a better “family”. The truth is that we all have our struggles, addictions and the like. It is how you get up every day to make a CHOICE to defeat them. Life is choices. There is no gun to our head, there is no one in our ear, except for the demons we allow to shroud there.
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