Last night, I had the notion to continue to read the book Women Food and God. I read it in my living room, which may not seem like a big deal but the chair I was in is exactly 27 (I counted) steps to the fridge. As I am reading the quote came across the page that read as this:”If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being”. At first I shuffled it off the brain and kept reading but my concentration kept coming back to that. Laughter first, then the realization that this torture that I am putting myself through to sit 27 steps away from a refrigerator that houses (even though it is healthy things) food that can fill my void is helping me become relaxed. Every day that I sit 27 steps away just hours after I have eaten dinner and I torture myself with the handle my hand just wants to touch, helps me become relaxed, comfortable and awakened by what my body really need. Yes, in reality it is 27 steps away but the TRUE meaning is that it can come much closer and I am still not going to open the door.
Further she writes “You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall”. Was I willing? Did I really like the feel of the bruise on my head, the welt that I had self-inflicted from banging? She was right. I am not a mistake. The food that I allowed come into my body was the mistake, but I, am not a mistake. I do have problems to resolve to move forward in my life BUT I, and I alone are not a problem. Now to uncover this mess. How do I begin? I know I need to stop giving myself a concussion and wake up to see what the first step is. The deepest. One that has already started the need to heal, my dad. I have been slowly working on it and like my impatience with being a healthy size, so too I have impatience that this, my emotions will be fixed overnight. The banging. This is the banging the head against the wall, the deepest cut. Along with a multitude of other life problems that are food addiction induced when grazed across my brain for thought.
“No matter how sophisticated or wise or enlightened you believe you are, how you eat tells all. The world is on your plate. When you begin to understand what prompts you to use food as a way to numb or distract yourself, the process takes you deeper into realms of spirit and to the bright center of your own life.” The first sentence is the one that really resonated in me. How I eat tells me not just how sophisticated I am or how wise I am, it tells me how I feel about myself. When I feed it with junk, processed, gluten foods that really just cycle me through my emotions, I feel shitty about myself. When I make wise decisions about the things that I put in my mouth, I feel amazing. Light and making conscious decision, not only about my body but about my everyday life.
This is the process. This is what I need to go through in order to stop beating my head against the wall. It is not going to happen overnight. Patience. Deep breathes. Wholesome choices.