I process most, if not all, my feelings internally. I generally don't speak my deepest darkest thoughts for a variety of reasons which we will not be discussing in this post. February is no surprise to all those who know me. This month is a month that I feel like all of my sad thoughts can be on display and when March 1st comes, I reel them back in and move on. However, never did I think in a million years that this race would move me to tears in many ways. Of course, now thinking back and processing over every detail of that day and why it was so, I felt confident enough to sit down and express that it was ideally one of the best.
Without thinking, Addie and I had agreed on this weekend and it was a "home" weekend for me since we are alternating weekends for runs. As it got closer, I started to put the pieces together that A. This was the same day that I married a very viscous man....unannounced (more on that later) B. It was a Mardis Gras inspired race, which was the same state, celebrated from that my father died in. Louisiana. C. It was the month of the one year anniversary of my father's death. So many things.
I tried to remain as optimistic and focus the day on more about how good I was feeling, how beautiful the day was, what perfect running weather it was, and rushing to see Daniella's basketball game right after. The race itself was a down and back, twice. That sucked. I can't say I would ever do that race again. The beauty was that something inside of Addie told me that I needed her. We have a funny way of being "present" when one needs the other and I am not a sharer of sorts, and she knows that. The power of her presence is more than I could ever ask for.
During the last portion of the race, right before we passed under the bridge, I wept. I wept because I was running to prevent heart disease. I was running to expand my life for my daughter. I was moving my body. I was being happy. Something my father struggled with. Being a truck driver, there is limited body movement, there is no way to be active and coupled with a lack of eating healthy and desire to live strong, he died. He died of sudden cardiac arrest, a massive heart attack. Which, through all the research I have done, happens when one basically does not care for the body they live in.
I could feel Addie look at me and turn her face forward. She acknowledged that I was crying but she didn't let me slow or stop. She kept me going. I thought to myself, I just need to stay stride in stride, focus on her and she will get me to the end. She will not let me down, she will care for me, and she did. I wept a few more times and the last 1/4 mile the sun came out. It was beaming on my face and I closed my eyes, stretched my neck as far as I could, closed my eyes and kept running. The sun was giving me light, peace, joy, comfort. The sun was comfort.
My legs were sore, I couldn't control my breathing, I cried, and yet, I still PR'd. My final time was 40:34. That is over two minutes shaved off! Even though the course was not the greatest, it was a flat, clear course. Which is more than January had to say for itself.
March is a run that has a St.Patty's theme! Stay Tuned!