Yesterday I had lunch with one of my dearest, closest friends. He has been mentioned a few times in previous blogs. He is intelligent and has been through enough gut wrenching life experiences to come out wiser and more efficient. Even though we are separated in age by ten years, I feel as though our experiences are quite similar. Losing a father, having a divorce and being an active parent of a little girl, we can relate to each other and experiences. It is refreshing because sometimes I don't even have to put together a single word and in between the tears and the mumbles, it is understood.
Lunch. Since he has been abreast with the situation of my dad, we just jumped into it. My loneliness, my wandering, my aching heart, my reason for feeling discontent, and more importantly, my loss of control on my health. A few things resonated with me. Where I am (was) is a 0 on a 0-10 scale with 10 being the highest point in my life. When I thought I had hit rock bottom many times, I had no clue. THIS, this is my rock bottom. I can only go up from here. Sure, will I get a few more zero's? Probably. But I am pretty sure moving forward, I will be able to identify it sooner and catch myself before I start scraping the pavements of sorrow. I was a 10 the evening that Andrew got down on his knee. I have had other 10's but nothing like the euphoria that moment gave me. As much as I would love to say it was when I had my daughter, I was 20 years old and terrified out of my mind. We talked about how to find my comfort zone on the 0-10 scale and really what I need to do to find closure with my father's death.
In order to find closure, I have found this blog again (and that helps) but I need to put him in a place in the ground so I have somewhere to go. I often identify my relatives that have passed by connecting their spiritual being with where their body is. I know that his body means nothing to where his spirit goes BUT for me, it helps. Right now, he is sitting in an urn in my aunt's house, waiting to be planted in the bottom of the urn that grows into a beautiful tree. Finally, I need to find the song that is most prominent in the way I had a relationship with him or how I identify with him and comfort my soul listening to that.
Since leaving lunch, I determined that I need to get back on board with a coach to help bring back my healthy eating and training. That is who I am. It is what I love to do and it is part of my healthy mental and physical lifestyle. I spoke with the local trainer/coach at my gym and Monday I am having him put me on a plan that I will adhere to in the next 90 days before I marry the love of my life.
I have 90 days. I want to be mentally and physically where I was because I deserve it. I deserve to have a genuine smile in pictures that will represent the beginning and the lasting love I will have. My dad deserves it. The train wreck is going to get cleaned up now and I am more than happy to put in the work.
Something very powerful to remember is we often become our parents when we get older. When I am in my 50's like my parents, I promise to myself to not have the health issues that I know I can control. Prevention happens now.
My friend is such an inspiration, motivator and breathe of fresh air. When my friend hugs me, I can feel him embracing me and my sorrows, squeezing me to let me know that he is here to help. That is the best part of my day. Hug often.
**Thank you Steven for being in my life**