Last night, I had the notion to continue to read the book Women Food and God. I read it in my living room, which may not seem like a big deal but the chair I was in is exactly 27 (I counted) steps to the fridge. As I am reading the quote came across the page that read as this:”If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being”. At first I shuffled it off the brain and kept reading but my concentration kept coming back to that. Laughter first, then the realization that this torture that I am putting myself through to sit 27 steps away from a refrigerator that houses (even though it is healthy things) food that can fill my void is helping me become relaxed. Every day that I sit 27 steps away just hours after I have eaten dinner and I torture myself with the handle my hand just wants to touch, helps me become relaxed, comfortable and awakened by what my body really need. Yes, in reality it is 27 steps away but the TRUE meaning is that it can come much closer and I am still not going to open the door.
Further she writes “You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall”. Was I willing? Did I really like the feel of the bruise on my head, the welt that I had self-inflicted from banging? She was right. I am not a mistake. The food that I allowed come into my body was the mistake, but I, am not a mistake. I do have problems to resolve to move forward in my life BUT I, and I alone are not a problem. Now to uncover this mess. How do I begin? I know I need to stop giving myself a concussion and wake up to see what the first step is. The deepest. One that has already started the need to heal, my dad. I have been slowly working on it and like my impatience with being a healthy size, so too I have impatience that this, my emotions will be fixed overnight. The banging. This is the banging the head against the wall, the deepest cut. Along with a multitude of other life problems that are food addiction induced when grazed across my brain for thought.
“No matter how sophisticated or wise or enlightened you believe you are, how you eat tells all. The world is on your plate. When you begin to understand what prompts you to use food as a way to numb or distract yourself, the process takes you deeper into realms of spirit and to the bright center of your own life.” The first sentence is the one that really resonated in me. How I eat tells me not just how sophisticated I am or how wise I am, it tells me how I feel about myself. When I feed it with junk, processed, gluten foods that really just cycle me through my emotions, I feel shitty about myself. When I make wise decisions about the things that I put in my mouth, I feel amazing. Light and making conscious decision, not only about my body but about my everyday life.
This is the process. This is what I need to go through in order to stop beating my head against the wall. It is not going to happen overnight. Patience. Deep breathes. Wholesome choices.
Learning how to praise myself without food during the smallest victories is sometimes the worst thing in the world. It is amazing to me how food (this addiction) can take over my life, emotions, and turn me into this crazed, distressed, emotional woman who at the drop of a hat would do just about anything for a sweet morsel. Disgusting I tell you, disgusting.
This weekend was that instance. I have worked so hard last week and got down by 5 pounds. Saturday night comes and what does Kall (spelled like my adoring friend spells it) do? Goes for the food…haha! BUT not this time. I didn’t eat one thing that was out of the allowance. However, the emotions that ensued with that choice after were very….daunting. I found myself slipping into self-pity, loathing, almost drooling at the mouth at the thought that I could just sneak to the store and NO ONE, I mean no one would see me. Partially due to the fact that I live in a new city and almost no one knows me there. I found myself literally pacing my house, sitting on my floor, and almost bent over and whining like the little child begging for just one piece of Halloween candy at 9pm. Disgusting. I allllmost gave in until I looked in my fridge and saw what I had been working so hard on for my food prep. I also looked down at my sweat pants and realized they were too damn comfortable to get out of. They saved me, this time. I found another good thing about it. I, yes I had done this for me, only me, no one else. I could either go to the store, sit with my choice of packaged, filled with nothing food or drink water and go to bed and feel even lighter in the morning (a feeling I have come to like). I did just that.
I have to say that in all my years of working on myself, I have never had that moment where there was a demon and I stood in front of my fridge and defeated it, crushed it and moved on. I don’t think I would have been that strong even a month ago. I don’t think I would have had the courage to tell my own self no, when I could tell myself yes and take the easy route.
The only way I got through this was the thought that I am not going to let myself just roll over and fail. I am not going to let food take over and consume my life. I WILL NOT let this defeat me. There is a book that my mom and I read years ago (a few books in the series if I can remember) called Women Food and God. I found it unpacking in some of my things. It is always a good refresher for me to get grounded back to where I need to be. Sometimes revisiting triggers, emotional highs and the like to over shadow the darkness that has clouded me puts me back in perspective.
Learning how to cope. Learning how to push forward. Learning how to tell myself no. Learning how to be the best I know I can be. These are all things that at each morning I pray for in strength. I don’t ask the good Lord for too much but maybe I do. There is always a part of me that will find it easier to just roll over. There will always be that person inside me that wants to make the wrong choice. However, at 27 (yes a little late) I find myself making the right decisions not only for my bodily good but for my emotional wellbeing. Weight loss isn’t just about looking the way you always imagined (because you never will), it is about FEELING like you always imagined. When you respect yourself enough to not put toxins in your body, people will respect you. This beams from the inside out. It is a feeling.
Moving into my birthday weekend, I am not sure how I will treat my body. It will not be a celebration of my birthday with food (determined to make the right choices) or excessive alcohol. It is with friends, my second family (some runners) who have literally carried me through this journey. Some are old, some are new, and some I have run into each other. I couldn’t ask for a better “family”. The truth is that we all have our struggles, addictions and the like. It is how you get up every day to make a CHOICE to defeat them. Life is choices. There is no gun to our head, there is no one in our ear, except for the demons we allow to shroud there.