I know that we all carry many faces and as mom’s sometimes we are just on auto pilot. I often find myself this way, especially during the week. Being a single mom, trying to get healthy and fitting in a full time job and volunteering with after school activities is a challenge. It really isn’t about how many kids you have; it is about the work load. My mom always used to say that it was easier having two than having one because they could entertain each other. Being on auto-pilot is the same: get up, dressed, get out the door, drop off to school, work, and gym, and pick up, dinner, homework, shower and repeat. I am finding it more and more difficult to find “me time” and while I really don’t mind, I know that it isn’t healthy.
Maybe this is why I blog. (more on this later)
Maybe this is why I resort to reading so much non-fiction.(more on this later, too.)
Finding this balance is crucial, for my sanity and well, everyone else around me. I’m sure they would like to keep theirs. I can’t share with you how many times I have repeated “Lord, please give me strength” when the steam machine is pumping out my ears and I am ready to explode. (I digress)
So where do I look? What do I do to distress. Sure, I run and running is a great outlet. I also lift, lifting releases stress also. BUT what else? This is what I am in search of. I love blogging and it releases so much more than the previous too but I am thinking maybe finding those things that are on the back burner in my mind, that keep reminding me that are there (things from my past), that need to be taken care of is really the reason why I feel stressed in the first place. Ridding people who are toxic to my life (family or the like), ridding of things that hold me down from my past that I just can’t seem to kick because I haven’t stood up to them (rape, divorce, loss of dad from walking away, etc.) may be able to help me have a clear mind when I fall asleep . Getting rid of the why me’s, how did that happen, and how do I fix it’s, I know will help this.
And so where do I start? What do I choose first? Do I start from the very beginning, start from the most recent, or just pick the one that comes to mind first? How much do I really force my brain to work? This is where I make a list of EVERYTHING, literally EVERYTHING that has been emotionally challenging to me in my life. Dive in. Do not be cautious, stand up and be who YOU want to be, not who these situations make me to be.
Why am I doing this? Why does it matter? It matters to me because I am a mom of a heart sensitive little girl who needs her mom to seek outside the auto pilot and seek outside the fog, to give her the best dialogue, best life she can possibly give. When I am a work-run-mom, I can’t just think about myself, I can’t just be on auto-pilot. My life and my child deserve more than that.
And so I start to make my list….More on this later.
Work, to give my family everything. Run, for my sanity and health. Mom, to the most beautiful inspiration in my life.