It has been no surprise that I had hit the pause button on the gym and healthy eating. If you read my July goals here, then you already know that I had to set the goal of making it to the gym at the very least three times per week. I felt silly and not like myself when I wrote it, but the truth is, that I needed to put it down on paper. Little did I know that it would take me an additional two weeks to “get back on the horse”. I just never found the right time and I never got my heart right.
The past two months have been a struggle mentally, physically and emotionally. I haven’t been myself and the wave of depression took over me and left me in a slump. It started to creep over me before my meet in April, where I was in tears that day and I “thought” I had rid of whatever was holding me down by my June meet. I was wrong. The day itself was fantastic. After, however, not so much.
Finally this Saturday, I got up and I felt whole. I felt like myself and I felt like I wanted to just go to the gym and start to lift to see where it would take me. I felt alive. I felt as though I had been missed and it had missed me. I didn’t do any powerlifting type movements but instead, just started to move around the room and see where the movements took me. It was amazing how much I missed just showing up, without an agenda and letting my heart decide what I needed. Sure, I miss powerlifting training specific sessions (or do I?) but something about Saturday spoke to me. I didn’t have to give it everything I had, but I wanted to and I didn’t feel like a failure if I couldn’t get the set number of reps I had in my mind, or the weight that was prescribed.
Maybe that is why I needed to step away from powerlifting for a minute. I am very competitive and even worse, very hard on myself when I miss a goal. Then, I continue to self-sabotage until I convince myself that I can’t do something because now it is too late and I would be a failure anyway. So, it comes as no surprise that when I couldn’t even pull 341# in April which I had done before, then I miss a mere 6 lb. increase in June (which, by the way, was barely missing it), I began to destroy myself and my self-esteem by self-sabotaging internal speak. I had convinced myself that “failing” in front of all of those people watching me; I might as well just give up.
How silly. How damn silly of me to think that about myself. But, how many of us do that? How many of us back out and walk away when things get tough or when we miss a goal that we think we should be accomplishing at 100%? How many of us decide internally that it is just fine to self-sabotage our progress because putting ourselves down is so much easier?
Instead, my goal should have been to refocus my energy into what the issue was, and work even harder to come back stronger and better. Not because of my competitive nature or to “prove” something but because at the core of myself, I love powerlifting and I love the accomplishment that it brings me. But most of all, it allows me to be myself. It allows me to see myself for who I truly am, a strong badass woman.
You see, it isn’t about being competitive with yourself to come back stronger and swinging to meet goals. It is about showing yourself that you are worth showing up for. It is about deciding for yourself that you want something because your heart wants it, not because it is the next best thing to do or because other people want you to do it. IT IS ABOUT SHOWING YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE WORTH SHOWING UP FOR. Nothing else, no other reason. Because the reality is that when you start showing up for yourself, you teach yourself so many more things you could have ever imagined. I am worth this. YOU are worth this. Whatever it is, in your heart.