Sometimes when I look back on these short three years, I realize that there was a lot of that time that I was not living on purpose or living my best life.
For that, I have apologized to him but also to myself because I wasn’t showing up and being the best version of myself which then translated to not being the best wife I could be. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not the societal definition of the “best wife” by cleaning the house perfectly or cooking a meal so it was hot when he got home or taking on all of the scheduling responsibility. Because, let’s be honest my friends, THAT is not the best marriage that you should be having and THAT is society’s standard that shouldn’t be your own. No, I am talking the best wife that checks in with her partner, asks hard questions, and has hard conversations, communicates when things aren’t going well to figure it out, and really loving on your spouse when they feel like the world is against them, knowing when to give space, and finally, being vulnerable enough to do the same when they are checking in. This is showing up for your partner, living your best life and REALLY being in love, even though the hard stuff.
To say that these past three years have been like this, would be a lie. To say that we haven’t almost ended up ending it all, would be a lie. But, what this three years has taught me is that when you deep down, in your soul, radically love someone and you know that all the things you are growing through are pains that are worth working out, and being present, and showing up for them by showing up for yourself is living your best life, my pals, this is true love. This is a relationship worth living in. If it is anything less than that, you have to look deep, and I mean deeper than just the surface to discover if where you are, with that person, is where you should be and if not, does it have the potential to get there. If the answer is still no and if you are afraid of being alone, sis, you have some work to do on yourself, not on anyone else.
Andrew is supportive, kind with just enough sass, and working on his best self. Right now (and for the past six years) that is him going to school and diving into working on his hard personal things he is going through. Sure, there have been times where I have felt pushed to the side and I have felt he has chosen many other things over me, if we are being honest. But, you know what that was? Insecurities and me not giving him support or holding him accountable like he needed. It all came to a head when our last effort was to seek counsel from a pastor at church and from that day, we have vowed to be supportive and be real honest with everything. Let me say that louder for the people in the back. BE REAL HONEST WITH EVERYTHING. This is being vulnerable, opening up when you don’t feel like it and allowing that person to help you and give you feedback on what you’re doing. Did you hear that guys and gals? Being vulnerable. Giving yourself permission to open up and share all of your struggles, fears and worries so that your sounding board, your person, can help. This is a huge lesson that we had to learn and we are still working through it, together.
I still believe that when people say “marriage is hard”, it is a lie. The marriage piece isn’t hard. Living with your best friend isn’t hard. It is being vulnerable with that person that is hard. It is opening up and getting rid of pride that is hard. Marriage isn’t hard. Showing up as the best version of yourself for another person, that is hard. It is only hard because is it the complete unnatural thing that society has taught us. And yet, it is the most profound, successful way to live in a marriage and be with your person.
Three years it has taken us to realize this. All I can say is that I am glad it didn’t take us longer.
And to my husband I say, from the depths of my soul, I love you and here is to forever with much more growth. Let’s go get ‘em tiger.