November 11th my life changed forever. It changed in a way that I will never be able to put fully into words but here I am going to try. This is the day that I met my father, the man who took a part in creating me. It was the most reviving yet scary experience of my life. THIS was the day that I was either going to be completely heart broken or feel like my heart has been filled with something that I have been missing for 26 years. 9 days after my birthday and I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday gift. 2013 has definitely blessed me in more ways than I could ever thank the Lord for.
I was in communication with my father for most of the week prior. He had mentioned that he was going to be in Michigan picking up a trailer to take to Texas. It didn’t take me very long (which I, myself am too surprised about) to say that he should let me know and we can seize the opportunity to meet. After those words came out of my mouth, I didn’t even feel like reaching back for them. It was a very natural thing for me to say. Being in Detroit most of the weekend, he made his way to Alma and I drove from my house to Alma to meet him.
Pulling in I felt shaky, my palms started to sweat. I started to wonder if this decision was really happening, still no hesitation if it was right. It had felt right the whole way in there.
He hugs like he has hugged me every day since I was 2 years old. He hugs like he has never missed a birthday, my graduations, or the birth of my daughter. He hugs like none of that mattered because I had him there, now, in that moment, and that really was all that mattered. The instant I climbed in his arms, my heart filled and the whiskers I have been missing against my forehead were finally there. It was way more than I was expecting in a very good way. I never needed him to say that he loved me before when he wasn’t there. I always felt it. I always felt like I had this man who loved me and now I get to hear it instead of it whispering in the back of my mind. He never left because he had to. He left because he knew he would not be good for my brother and I. He knew that his addictions and life decisions would not be a good influence on what my brother and I needed.
I do recognize that this does not mean that I healed with my addiction from food. This is just the start to healing as I have many things that have happened in my life that have evoked me to condone such an addition. BUT…this is the perfect start, the perfect beginning to my long road of healing. What I do find the best part of the healing is my need to feel wanted. I don’t have the high anxiety if a man doesn’t want me. I understand my worth and I have the men in my life completed that a woman needs in her life. Sure, he doesn’t know how many boyfriends I have had or when I needed to just hug my dad because a boy said something wrong to me. He didn’t have the answers on why teenage boys were so mean 14 years ago. Even though I don’t need those answers, he is here now when I need to be calmed in the heat of my private life. He isn’t here to replace my mom, the work she has put into raising her kids, but he is here. There isn’t an amount of time that he needs to make up for. Why? Because we are in the here and now. We are not living in the past. I get to enjoy him today, tomorrow and in the future.
If this post seems a little jumbled, a little random of all my feelings. It should. This is how my brain is operating with my heart being so filled up with joy. With this long road of healing, I have to deal with these little things (including the randomness) one day at a time. This is all this life is. One day at a time. One BEAUTIFUL day at a time.