When the depression sets in, there is nothing I can do about it. Or can I? In a past couple of blog posts, I wrote about seasonal depression and how I battle it and try to help it along. I don’t think I will ever be cured from it but I definitely thought I had set myself up for success by researching other methods of helping it this year. Needless to say, it crept up on me and I couldn’t control it.
These past couple of weeks, you have probably noticed that I haven’t been prowling the social media, I haven’t been posting on my blog, and to be honest, I haven’t even been training. Sometimes when the seasonal depression hits me, I push the little things that I love doing away and sulk into my own depressive state. I find myself wandering around, as if I am in a dark room trying to find the door, searching for anything and everything to just let me out. I want out and no matter how many doors there are in that room, the right one to escape seems so far away and nonexistent.
There are a few things people don’t understand. Depression, seasonal depression, is real. It is a true thing that happens. Most people will say “all you have to do is find you’re happy. You know what those things are, just do more of them.” Sure, in real life, from an outside looking in, that is a great plan. It is. I agree. However, when I am wrapped so tightly in my mind, those are not options. I can talk myself into and out of anything. I am my biggest cheerleader and my worst critic. So, when my mind is weak, it goes in circles explaining to myself that those things are not worth my time that they don’t provide happiness and I am the worst human. I am not worth what I give myself to be happy.
I won’t apologize for taking a hiatus because it has been a new adjustment with a new travel and work schedule. So, in reality, taking the back seat on a few things has helped. Now, however, I have a pretty good plan of action and if I just remember that all I have to do is get through the next 24 hours and be who I want to be during those hours, I have won. Sometimes it isn’t about the long term success. Hell, sometimes 24 hours is a long term success. But, sometimes it is just about surviving to be happy. I can’t promise you that there won’t be another hiatus but, I am hoping next time, I will provide a warning.
Thank you to my family and my coach (especially) for standing by me to be ears and shoulders. Without those, I am not sure I would be here. Life happens in seasons and I know that once this season passes, I will be better but I also need to learn how to better manage myself through this seasonal depression. Hugs to all of you who suffer from this along with me. Friends, we will make it together.